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Consent 201: Having the Consent Conversation

 

Written By Stephanie Locke, SSAIC Counsellor, MSW/RSW

 

Now that we know the basics of consent, it’s time to dig deeper so that we can all approach the consent conversation enthusiastically. “Affirmative consent” is an enthusiastic, voluntary, and mutual agreement among all parties to engage in sexual activity.

Consent can be communicated by words or actions; however, actions must provide unquestionable agreement regarding a person’s willingness to participate in the sexual activity¹.

Here are some tips that will help you to have the consent conversation with your partner(s):

Obtaining Enthusiastic Consent

Establish mutual interest before even considering sexual activity

  • If you’re flirting with someone, are they giving me eye contact, leaning in, expressing excitement?
  • Are you on the same page? (For example, are you looking for a relationship, but they’re looking for a casual hook-up?)

Negotiate consent verbally

  • Be explicit in asking for what you want

Yes, this can feel vulnerable, but consider how vulnerable you might leave someone feeling if you act without asking

Negotiate consent non-verbally

  • Practice reading your partner’s body language in non-sexual settings and check in with them to make sure you are reading them correctly
  • Understand that non-verbal cues can indicate “no” or a withdrawal of consent (E.g. pulling away, turning away, stiffening up)
  • Understanding your partner’s non-verbal cues might help you to come to a point in your relationship where you and your partner agree on an ‘only no means no’ approach to consent. This is when your partner permits you to touch their body in anyway within pre-established boundaries unless they explicitly say “no”

Encourage your partner to communicate with you

  • Check in with your partner during sex; remind them that they can say “no”. Ask, “Can I ____?”; “Is this okay?”
  • Check-in with your partner after sex. Ask, “How are you doing?”; “Would you want to do that again?”; “How was that for you?”; “I would like to try ____ next time, what do you think?”

Be aware of what makes your partner vulnerable

  • Avoid partners who are intoxicated; don’t exploit their vulnerabilities
  • If your partner has a history of sexualized trauma make it comfortable for them to talk about any relevant triggers and what helps them ground when they react to a trigger

Err on the side of caution

  • You won’t ruin the mood by checking in, but you will absolutely ruin any mood if you cross someone’s boundaries!

 

Providing Affirmative Consent

Communicate your intentions and limitations

  • Let your partner know what you are looking for; discuss your
  • Don’t assume that you and your partner are on the same page

 Discuss the kind of consent that works for you

  • Do you want your partner to explicitly ask you before an escalation in intimacy or change in sexual activity? Maybe you use the “only no means no” approach. Some people are somewhere in between

Learn how to say “no” and get comfortable doing it

  • Practice saying “no” and setting boundaries in situations that aren’t sexual
  • Get to know yourself. Are you a people pleaser? Do you find it hard to say “no”? Consider working with a counsellor to address these tendencies

Provide continuous feedback to your partner

  • Give your partner positive feedback. Let them know what they are doing right so they keep giving you more of that!
  • Use verbal cues, “I like that”; “Yes!” and non-verbal cues, such as kissing, or pulling your partner closer

Err on the side of caution

  • If you are unsure it’s best to say “no” for now. Talk about it further before deciding whether or not to try it (and don’t be afraid to have that conversation outside of the bedroom!)
  • In the same way you can always revoke consent and change your mind to a “no”, you can also change your mind to a “yes”

 

References

  1. The State University of New York. (2019). Definition of affirmative consent.

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Consent 101 – The Basics

 

Written By Stephanie Locke, SSAIC Counsellor, MSW/RSW

 

Everyone is talking about it, but what exactly is consent?

Con•sent /kƏn’sent/

  1. (noun) permission for something to happen or agreement to do something
  2. (verb) give permission for something to happen or to agree to do something¹

Consent is agreement or approval for something proposed by another person. ‘Person A’ asks for what they want, and ‘Person B’ willingly gives permission for it to happen. Easy right? But there’s more. When it comes to sex, consent is a conversation that takes place before, during, and after any sexual activity.

 

Did you know that consent is an essential element of sex?

 The Criminal Code of Canada defines consent as “the voluntary agreement of the complainant to engage in the sexual activity in question” and without consent, a sexual offence has taken place.

According to the Canadian Criminal Code, consent CANNOT be given under the following conditions:

  • The “yes” is provided by someone else
  • Sex is obtained through an abuse of power, trust, or authority
  • One person does not say “yes” or says or implies “no” through words or actions
  • One of the partners has changed their mind
  • One person is unable to give consent (unconscious, sleeping, or intoxicated)²

Cartoon by Kirkham, A. (2015).

The consent conversation is an ongoing dialogue between people who are sexually active with each other. It’s a two-part process that involves ‘Person A’ obtaining consent and ‘Person B’ providing consent. Our next post will discuss specific tips for obtaining and providing enthusiastic consent, so stay tuned. Consent is often talked about in terms of “enthusiasm” because it’s important that the person giving consent does so willingly and passionately. Consent that is not given in earnest is moving down a slippery slope toward coercion.

Here are some facts and myths about consent that might help clear up any questions:

  • Fact: The definition of consent is about agreement and permission. Ultimately consent is about saying “yes”. It’s about making sure that your partner is a willing participant in whatever sexual activity you take part in.

            Myth: Consent is all about saying “no”.

  • Fact: It is the responsibility of the person who is seeking to engage in a specific sexual activity to obtain consent before moving on to that activity, regardless of their sex or gender. Consent isn’t a heteronormative concept; it applies to all people, all genders, all sexualities.

            Myth: It’s a man’s job to get consent from a woman.

  • Fact: Consent is an ongoing conversation. Permission is required before moving to a different sexual act, whether that’s kissing, feeling, penetration, or otherwise. Permission is also required each time you want to engage in that act again. Permission once isn’t permission forever.

            Myth: You only have to ask once.

  • Fact: Sexual assault will definitely “ruin the mood”. In fact, consider that if asking for consent will “ruin the mood”, you may be the only person IN the mood to begin with.

            Myth: Asking for consent might ruin the ‘mood’.

 

Finally, if you’re feeling iffy about all of this consent business, consider this:

If you can’t talk to your partner about sex, should you even being doing it with them in the first place?

 

References

  1. Google Dictionary. (2018). Consent.
  2. Government of Canada. (2019). Justice Laws Website.

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January 2019 Newsletter

SSAIC Newsletter

Welcome to 2019! The SSAIC office was closed December 21st at noon through January 1, and our staff have returned to work rested and ready to tackle the challenges the new year will inevitably bring.

As the #MeToo movement continues to roll steady, this year will see Harvey Weinstein and  Kevin Spacey on trial; R. Kelly’s past might finally catch up with him, and we are likely to see more victims from various industries join the chorus of voices speaking about experiences with systemic sexual harassment and abuse.

It’s worth remembering that not everyone who is sexually victimized is able to share their story or name their abuser, and the public is especially unlikely to hear the victims from marginalized communities speak out. So many people continue to suffer sexual violence here in Saskatoon, and in the province of Saskatchewan–this is an issue that hits home, especially when we consider that Saskatchewan is the only province without a sexual violence action plan (we are hoping to see one adopted by the Government of Saskatchewan in 2019) and the second-highest rates of sexual violence in the country (Manitoba has the highest).

Stay with us, dear subscriber, as we continue to follow the cultural shift in thinking about sexual harassment, abuse, and assault.

Thank you to everyone who donated to our first ever Holiday Giving campaign! Thanks to the generosity of our subscribers, we received over $1,300 in donations. This money will be used to support SSAIC operations, and we couldn’t have done it without YOU!


Must Read: Brendan Fraser’s #MeToo story is why more male victims don’t speak out
Actor Brendan Fraser went public with an allegation that he was groped by Philip Berk, a one-time president of the powerful Hollywood Foreign Press Association [HFPA]. After a cursory investigation by the HFPA, Berk’s actions were described as a joke, not a sexual advance. In the arena of sexual assault, men are not allowed to get upset but must “play along” or treat the assault as adolescent horse play. The same conspiracy of silence that silences female victims comes into full force with men.  It’s no joke – read how society “victim-blames” male victims of sexual assault…

Gillette takes a stand against toxic masculinity in this viral commercial. 


We hear a lot about reconciliation but there is still a long way to go. According to an Angus Reid poll, 66% of Canadians still believe Indigenous communities should not have control over their own affairs. Canadians must first acknowledge the facts about our relationships with Indigenous peoples.  2019 should be the year to go beyond the surface and seek approaches to transform Indigenous-Canadian relationships. Read more in this thought provoking article in Macleans… 


We are booking shows for the 2019 season of I’m the Boss of Me; Grade 4 classrooms across Saskatoon will be learning about bodily autonomy, how to say NO, and who to tell if they are being abused and need help. Wondering if it will be happening in YOUR child’s Grade 4 room? Ask their teacher!

 

 

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Participants Needed – Intimate Partner Violence Study

 

Note: March 22, 2019: This project is no longer accepting participants.

SSAIC is collaborating with RESOLVE Saskatchewan on a research study about men who have experienced interpersonal violence (IPV). We are interested in learning about the nature and consequences of IPV incidents, men’s experience of help-seeking and gaps and challenges experienced by men who do seek help.

We are looking for men to take part in the study through interviews. To be part of the study, men must be 18 years of age or older and have experienced violence/abuse (physical, emotional, financial, sexual) in an intimate relationship.

The interviews will be 60-90 minutes in length and take place in Saskatoon or Regina. For men not in these urban centres, interviews will be conducted over the phone. An honorarium is available for interview participants.

If you are interested in taking part in this study or you would like more information please contact Maryellen at 306 292-7272. More information can be found on the IPV Prairies Recruitment Notice.

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Change to the SSAIC Crisis Line

 

On Monday, April 30, 2018 the Saskatoon Sexual Assault & Information Centre announced changes to its crisis line, effective May 1. Coverage will not be interrupted and people are invited to continue using the crisis line without any changes to the way they access the service.

SSAIC will now operate their crisis line in partnership with Saskatoon Crisis Intervention Service. SSAIC handles the calls during the day, and Crisis Intervention covers the line outside of regular business hours. This service is available to you 24 hours a day, 365 days a year by calling 306-244-2224.

Starting May 1, 2018, the crisis line responder is unable to send staff or volunteers to the hospital to meet survivors and support them through the medical/forensic kit process.

SSAIC recognizes that victim support at the hospital is crucial, however, due to financial distress the agency is unable to afford the costs associated with hospital accompaniment at this time.

SSAIC is engaged in discussions with the Saskatchewan Health Authority regarding options to address this gap in service to victims of sexual violence.

We very much appreciate the dedication of our Crisis Line Coordinator and Volunteers to this service over the years. The Rape Crisis Line, established in 1975, was our flagship program and we are pleased that we can continue to support survivors of sexual violence with empathy and information, day or night.

 

SSAIC

Unit 201, 506 25th Street E.
Saskatoon, SK S7K 4A7

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